#99: The Lookalikes Agency
There is nothing that I like more than a bad celebrity lookalike, especially the type that appear in the letters page of cheap TV guides. You know the ones - usually somebody has sent in a picture of their grandmother, adamant that she is the spitting image of Lou Carpenter from Neighbours. For added comic value the editor will have a picture of the grandmother with "Lou Carpenter" written underneath and a picture of Lou with "Granny" as a caption.
I am such a fan of these bad lookalikes that I now actively look out for them in the street when I am out and about. The fun that can be had with this game is immeasurable. If I see a bald chap on my travels, I'll say "there's Phil Collins" (or perhaps Sinead O'Connor). Only last week I saw a pensioner walking towards me with his thumbs aloft. "Oh look, there's Paul McCartney" I remarked to my acquaintance....
...oh actually, that was Paul McCartney.
As you can imagine then, I was most excited when I discovered a television show called The Lookalikes Agency. It was as if a programme-maker had read my mind and decided that the best way to fill six 30-minute instalments was to cram it full of some ropey celebrity lookalikes and have them represented by a man called Derek. Does it get any better than that? Actually, it does...
The programme portrayed Derek as a bit of a real-life Del Boy. We saw him wheelin' and dealin' (and duckin' and divin') in order to get his lookalikes into some of the UK's top events. These lookalikes included Elton John (who was really a man called Ray).
When he wasn't 'doing' Elton, Ray was on a quest to learn The Knowledge - a test that, if he passed, would allow him to be a London taxi driver. To be fair to Ray, he wasn't a bad lookalike and it was quite a strange sight to see Elton John on an old moped (with a basket on the front) riding around London desperately trying to memorise each street name.
So that's all mildly amusing in a Sunday teatime kind of way. However, it was the final two episodes in the series which made The Lookalikes Agency unmissable viewing.
The first of these episodes was set almost entirely in Amsterdam. Derek had worked his magic and got a booking for his Jack Nicholson and Elton John lookalikes to film an advert for a Dutch supermarket chain. By this stage of the series, Ray had actually started to refer to himself as Elton. However, he didn't appear to have let anybody else know about this decision. So when he called his agent from Amsterdam and said, "Hello Derek, it's Elton", Derek answered him with a puzzled "Who?"
Of course, it all got sorted out and it was then on to the studio to do the filming. 'Jack Nicholson' was on top form. You would think he was the real deal. All he had to say was:
"I'm not the real Jack Nicholson - I'm actually a lot cheaper. But these yoghurts are the real bona."
And he did it in two takes. Unfortunately for 'Elton', he had to say the same thing (well, obviously he didn't say he was Jack Nicholson) but instead of "real bona" he had to say "real eechlow" (it's apparently some kind of Dutch colloquial term meaning that something is good). It all went downhill from there. Something along the lines of:
Elton: The real....Ee...Eeee....EEEE...EEEEEE
Producer: (trying to say it phonetically) It's Eek - Low
Elton: EEEE.....EEEEE...EEEEEEEEEEEE.....EEEEEEEEE....no I can't say it
Producer: Try to get your tongue around it....Eek - Low
Elton: (clears throat) Egg-Loo?
(Fade to black)
After approximately 45 takes, he finally said the word correctly...but wasn't looking at the camera when he did so. You'll be pleased to know that he did get there in the end.
The season finale of The Lookalikes Agency was a true masterpiece. It centred around Derek's plans for a Lookalikes Ball and Awards Show. This event saw all of his lookalikes gather at a venue for one big end of series party. As if that wasn't exciting enough, he also had a couple of tricks up his sleeve. Firstly, he arranged for 'Elton' to do a duet with his George Michael lookalike. Unfortunately (or fortunately for the viewer), 'Elton' couldn't actually sing. Secondly, Derek had composed a little song to sing at the end of the Ball which he believed represented everything that he had achieved. So when his co-composer arrives for a rehearsal, we were really in for a treat. The lyrics that Derek composed were as follows:
"If you want a VIP but you can't afford the fee, double trouble
I want Elvis she said, but the King is dead, double trouble"
Unfortunately, Derek seems to be channelling 'Elton' on this occasion and his nerves get the better of him. Something like this:
Guitarist: OK Derek, on the count of three. 1...
Derek: If you want a...
Guitarist: No, wait for me to count Derek
Derek: So sorry...after you
Guitarist: 1...2...3......Derek?
Derek: Oh that's my cue?
And so it went on. Once Derek had mastered the first bit he then had a bit of trouble with the second line:
Derek: I want Elvis she said, but unfortunately the...
Guitarist: No Derek, it's just "but the King is dead"
Derek: So sorry.... (sings) I want Elvis she said, but the King is currently dead
Guitarist: No Derek, it's just "the King is dead"
Derek: So sorry...
(I love how Derek's second mistake implied that Elvis will one day appear and say "Surprise! I'm not dead anymore! Uh-huh-huh!").
Once he finally got it right, it was time for him to leave for the Ball. Though not before he had one more mishap. As an extra surprise for the party-goers, Derek hired a smoke machine. Instead of waiting until he got to the venue, Derek got so excited to try out his machine that he switched it on in his flat. In a tower block. On the top floor. And added too much water. It was not long before the entire building became engulfed in smoke as thick as the coldest fog. To add further insult to injury, when it came to the time in the performance when smoke was required (during the Elton/George duet, complete with a cheesy "ladies and gentlemen, Mr Elton John"), Derek actually forgot to turn the machine on!
And that just summed up the entire series. As did the final line of Derek's song:
"You can't go wrong, well that's a bit strong, double trouble."
Derek wasn't the ultimate professional and he didn't have the best lookalikes in the world, but he had a vision. Like Norman Wisdom before him, he saw it through no matter how haphazard his methods may have been. Basically then, the perfect candidate for reality television.
And by the way, 'Elton' did eventually pass his test to become a London taxi driver.
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