To numb the boredom pains, my friend R and I created numerous little games at the back of the class. They started off on a low-key basis (making subtle changes to television programme titles to create Eghosa-style errors; Westenders, Carnation Street, Home & Further Away), grew in popularity (combining an item of food with an item of clothing to create amusing combinations like Beef Tracksuit. These would leave us breathless with stifled laughter, tears rolling down our faces until we could let it all out at the end of the lecture) and eventually left a lasting legacy.
Our final game was so big that it had to be played during the days between lectures with the results being announced (and laughed at) the following week: Book Review Club.
This game had many rules. The first rule was, of course, that you didn't talk about Book Review Club. It was 1999, we were students, Fight Club had just been released. What else would you expect?
The rules then went on to state that the participant(s) must:
-Think of the most unlikely celebrity.
-Go to the Amazon website and find either a biography or a book based on the chosen star.
-Write a review in formal style but with many subtle, intentional inaccuracies and comedy references.
- End the review with the words "Roll The Dice" or "Best Of Order Please." Don't ask me why, it was R‘s idea.
- Get as many "this review was helpful" stars as possible.
Every week, lectures were spent thinking of the chosen celebrity for the following seven days. Within six months, we had built up quite a portfolio of celebrity reviews. It was such fun that R’s brother LH even started playing the game.
Nine years later, those reviews are still on the Amazon site and are accumulating helpful votes from the biography-loving population.
Tom O'Connor
The famed presenter of ITV's Cross Wits. He used to be a teacher, you know...
Des O'Connor
No relation to Tom - just a happy coincidence. However, if you will call your autobiography Bananas Can't Fly! you're asking for trouble. LH's is the review at the top of the page.
Jimmy Hill
Famous for his chin. And a bit of football apparently.
Uri Gellar
Concentrate! I'm not sure who wrote this - it wasn't me - but it's the one that begins with "Johnathon Margolis" and ends with the brilliant "this is even more convincing than the book Uri wrote about himself."
Eric Hall
Eric Hall is a sport agent with a very outgoing personality. His catchphrase is "Monster!"
Greg Martin
Greg Martin is the son of Beatles producer George Martin. He's quite the playboy. Unfortunately, somebody called Juan has since added a review, although I have a very strong suspicion that he was inspired by our Book Review Club style.
Michael Crawford
There are quite a few genuine reviews here too. However, LH's is the one that refers to Mr Crawford as the British Sammy Davis Jr.
Ronan Keating
One of LH's later efforts. He constantly refers to Roland Keatings.
Peter Stringfellow
Ah, Peter Stringfellow - King Of Clubs. Again, a couple of people have posted reviews since (and they actually enjoyed the book). My review contains one of my favourite pieces of criticism: "I received the book as a gift after gaining a place at university, as somebody thought that it would be useful for my degree." Scathing words indeed.
Lenny Henry
Arooga, Arooga! Oh no, that's John Fashanu.
Angela Lansbury
Good old Angela Lansbury. Mrs. 'Arris Goes To Paris was one of my favourite films when I was younger. I therefore had plenty of ammunition for this one. However, I think R has to take first prize with his introduction: "I was guided to this biography by a fellow fan who goes to the same church as me."
Joan Sims
Ah, Joan Sims. The star of so many Carry Ons and the video for Morrissey's Ouija Board, Ouija Board.
Bob Monkhouse
Bob Monkhouse is genuinely one of my all-time comedy heroes. That didn't make him immune though. R seemed to have a bit of theme running through his review: "If worshipping Bobby Monkhouse was a religion than this text would be the bible" and "Three Hail Mary's and a read of Crying With Laughter later, I am truly a convert to the church of Monkhouse."
Bruce Forsyth
Brucie wasn't safe either! His career was in a bit of a trough when these reviews were written, so a few serious reviewers have come along since his Strictly Come Dancing comeback. Just scroll to the bottom of the page.
Jeremy Beadle
This is the only book from the above list that I have actually read. I found it for 50p in The Works and thought it would pass an hour. It is very similar to Alan Partridge's Bouncing Back in that nearly every anecdote ends with the phrases "needless to say, I had the last laugh" or "needless to say, they were one of the nicest people I ever met." For some reason, only my review survives (the other one is genuine) - it wasn't even particularly funny. Not even Beadle's untimely death earlier this year could bring in the reviewers, so I'm guessing that my copy has not yet risen in value.
Jim Davidson
"It's only a game so put up a real good fight" sang Captain Sensible in the theme tune to Big Break. I hope Jim had his boxing gloves on (or at least a snooker cue) because these are three of our best reviews. "Too many people get hung up on political correctness, but if you ask any of the boys down at my local Social Club who they would rather see out of Jim Davidson and Alan Davies, you will hear a resounding chorus of JIM! JIM! JIM!"
An attempt to revive Book Review Club was made in 2006. Unfortunately, Amazon have tightened up their admissions policy since the late nineties and only LH's critique of Eamonn Holmes made it through the net. However, it's a fitting end (and tribute) to a game that did a lot to brighten up cold, dark Monday mornings a decade ago.
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